Loveys, pacis, soothing and separation anxiety

Kids and their attachments.  Who can figure it?  Whether it's a binkie, paci, lovey, blankie, or ratty bunny, kids will find what they love and then they stick like glue.  I am a big fan of lovies.  They help kids self-soothe and anything that they can do themselves is good by me!  My two oldest kids did not attach to anything as infants.  I bought every brand of pacifier on the market, stuffed animals, soft blankets, even the “Snoedel.” All to no avail. They never paid a bit of attention.

My third child attached immediately to pacifiers and I was glad! She sleeps so well and always has.  As my kids got older they started to attach to stuffed animals and both now sleep with a menagerie.  My son is particularly attached to a bear he made with his grandmother.  It is the ugliest, rattiest thing.  If you can't tell, that is stuffing coming out of his stomach.  Who can understand the things that comfort a child?!

Transitional objects are helpful for children dealing with separation anxiety.  The object helps the child feel comforted and attached to you and home even when you're gone.  Separating from mom (and dad) can be difficult for children.  Some separation anxiety is very normal for children.  Ranging between ages 6 mos - 9 mos and then sometimes again at 18 mos - 2 years, children struggle with being away from their parents.  This is a important developmental step for children and it's necessary for them to face this.

How do you help your child stay with someone new? 

First, NEVER sneak out.  This is very overwhelming for children and just teaches them that you could disappear at anytime.  Imagine how scary this would be! If you might disappear at any minute,your child will feel the need to cling to you and watch you every second to make sure this doesn't happen!  So, develop a routine for leaving. It does not have to be a production or a drama.  Tell your child good-bye, reassure him you will be back, give him a kiss and a hug and then leave calmly.  Try not to return once you've left as this will just be confusing.  Use the same routine every time you leave and the child will associate this with leaving and know that you always come back.

Second, be calm and collected yourself.  If you are anxious, tearful, upset about your child being upset, this will transfer to your child.  She will see/sense that you are upset and this will confirm her fear that something is wrong.  Your baby thinks, "Oh no!  Mommy is upset!  I knew this was bad!"  And then it's harder for her to feel safe and secure.  Hearing your child crying can be distressing, but try to hold it together until you get out the door!  Then it's okay to cry a little in the car!

Third, find someone who respects your routines, your house rules, and is committed to helping your child adjust.  You need someone that both you and your child like and trust.  And if you don't find that the first time, keep looking!

Our goal at SeekingSitters is to help you find the perfect sitter for you, even if I have to hire someone new to do it!  

Most of all, don't despair!  Almost all kids grow out of this phase on their own or with a little help from you.  If they don't seem to be able to work through the separation anxiety on their own, you might consider a consultation with a child psychologist.  Kids are amazingly resilient and they can learn to overcome things quicker than adults, but sometimes we all need a little help and support! 

For any questions you might have about babysitters, child separation anxiety, or parent anxiety!  Feel free to contact me.